I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
