I can't watch pbs sober anymore
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
