the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
