If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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