my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
