Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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