im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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