My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
