Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
