Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
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I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
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I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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