so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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