I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
