If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Jerry, you need to find god
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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