When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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