does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
