false alarm. still invincible.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
