I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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