Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize