There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
