Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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