The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
