Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
