Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
