We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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