See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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