He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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