I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
