Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
