I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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