If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize