Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Found your dick twin last night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
