last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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