On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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