oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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