best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
