At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
