The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
