My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I cannot find my penis.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
