I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We need a shit load of segways right now
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
