I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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