Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
