I could make wine with my vomit
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
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Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
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Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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