I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
