Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
