My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
