1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
