My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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