a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
