respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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