I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
