end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
