Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I just put wine in my tea
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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