I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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