sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
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I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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