I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
