I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
